Jerry Seinfeld

Language: English

Pages: 192

ISBN: 0553569155

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub

Seinfeld. For more than 33 million viewers, the Emmy Award-winning television show has become a Thursday night ritual. Even though the show has ended, Jerry Seinfeld's distinct brand of humor can still be yours.

In his #1 New York Times bestselling book, SeinLanguage, Jerry Seinfeld has captured on the page his views on topics ranging from Raisinettes to relationships, from childhood to cop shows, and from parents to power suits. This must-have book for all fans—and who isn't a fan?—remains available in both paperback and hardcover.

Treasury of Laughter

Jokes for Men Only

Private Eye [UK], Issue 1335 (8-21 March 2013)

Foreign Affairs




















I'm calling the police." Because you watch TV. "Stakeouts, manhunts. We'll see some real action." So the police come over to your house, they fill out the report, they give you your copy. Now, unless they give the crook his copy, I don't really think we're going to crack this case, do you? It's not like Batman where there's three crooks in the city, and everybody pretty much knows who they are. Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them

talking about? ... Is there a girl in that story . . . no? Shut up. Go to the next guy. What do you got? ... I don't want to hear that either. Shut up ... No go ahead, what are you talking about, I don't wanna hear that. . . . No, forget it all of you, get out of here. I'm going to bed." Magazines are another medium I love because, like TV, 95% of it is simply based on "How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?" You can always tell it's a slow news week when you see articles like,

now. My father got me so crazy with that thing. I didn't go near a thermostat until I was 28 years old. I was in a hotel room somewhere when I finally got up the guts to move it a little bit. The whole night I couldn't sleep. I was afraid my father was going to burst in the door, "Who touched the thermostat in here? You know I set it there for a reason." I waited years for my father to take me aside and explain to me the secret of the thermostat. And then one day he did sit me down, told me this

where you are inside the bathing suit? You see somebody you know, "No, I'm parasailing, I'm just waiting for the boat to come back." I am not much for the family gathering. You ever sit there and the conversation's so boring, so dull, you start to fantasize, "What if I just got up and jumped out that window?" Just crashed right through it. Come back in, there's broken glass, everybody's all upset. "No, no, I'm all right, I was just a little bored there, I'm fine now, I'm ready to hear a little

collar, and go, "What do you think about this suit? I think I'll get it. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants, I want to make sure. Now what if I'm walking? Move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes." I love watching women put on their perfume. They're very careful. They have their little stratego areas. Places they think we're going. They always hit the inside of the wrist. Women are convinced that this is the most action-packed area that could ever happen. Why, ladies? What is

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