2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches
Robert Orben
Language: English
Pages: 0
ISBN: 0879804254
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches
Tim and Eric's Zone Theory: 7 Easy Steps to Achieve a Perfect Life
you ever gone to a chiropractor? It’s fascinating. Sounds as if your joints are eating Fritos. I’ve lived a very sheltered life. I always thought a gynecologist was a person who’s trying to protect gyns. We’re living in an age of medical specialists. Nowadays what four out of five doctors recommend is another doctor. I like the spirit of the proctologist who escorts you to the door and says, “Don’t worry. We’ll have you on your seat in no time!” My doctor told me it was disgraceful the way I
win. If there’s one thing I’m absolutely, definitely, positively sure of—it’s the next time I’m asked my opinion, I’m Undecided. November is the month when all Americans are preoccupied with turkeys. But enough about the elections, let’s talk about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is when you get to live with a turkey for weeks. Elections are when you get to live with a turkey for years. An election is another way of getting a second opinion. We should all be very grateful for free elections.
get over how ungrateful the American Indians are. Three centuries ago our forefathers invited them to an outdoor Thanksgiving dinner. Now they want to take back the restaurant. I just can’t understand how primitive peoples ever managed. For instance, have you ever tried to wash things by slamming them against a flat rock? It’s tough enough on clothes but on dishes it’s murder! INFLATION Inflation is when you’re wealthy and you no longer can afford the things you bought when you were poor.
It’s always from right to left. Have you ever gone into one of those chic downtown restaurants for lunch? It’s like the spot market for food. I hate to go to a very fine restaurant. There’s something about driving home and realizing that every burp has cost you $8.73. You look at the bill and you don’t know if you’re eating out or buying in. You always know you’re in trouble when your date gets a menu that doesn’t have any prices and you get a menu that looks like the work sheet for the
budget—one that sticks to the roof of the Treasury. The President has proposed a $———— billion federal budget. I can’t even imagine $———— billion. I mean, I have teenagers who couldn’t spend that much. Can you imagine how a taxpayer feels when he reads about a $———— billion budget—and he’s making dinner with Leftover Helper? A senator got a phone call from one of his constituents who said he had been reading about the new federal budget. He said, “Senator, I’m just curious how long you figure