Mostly Autobiographical: A Collection of 100% True Stories . . . Sort of
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
What’s it like to wait tables in space? What’s so hard about buying a green Power Rangers piñata? Do you believe in the magical properties of crystals? Are you sure you’re not my old friend Rich?
Read the answers to all of these questions, and even more questions, but not as many more answers, just a lot of questions really, as told by the mostly autobiographical ramblings of Rob G. Rob attacks the minutia of contemporary life through the eyes of a twenty-something-year-old trying to figure out his place on planet Earth.
Like, are you sure those volleyballs weren’t looking at me funny? Or, did you say you wanted dressing on the side? Because I didn’t hear you the first time. Or the second time. But on the side, right? Rob takes the smallest of human interactions and tries to figure out, why are we doing what we’re doing? Did you mean what you meant to say? Or were you getting at something else? And are you sure those volleyballs weren’t looking at me funny?
From the daily posts of his blog - www.strictlyautobiographical.com - to his long drawn-out comments on reddit, Rob G. now extends the reading experience to book-length proportions. Learn the best way to order steak at a steakhouse. Or find out how you’d survive being stuck in an elevator with five other people for an extended period of time. If it’s happened in real life, you’ll probably find it in Mostly Autobiographical. Or you’ll find something else. Either one.
waiter might start off with a person who clearly doesn’t know how to eat steak, and they’ll say medium or medium-well. And the next person will order theirs, extra loud, medium-rare, as if to say, “Please don’t confuse me with my idiot friend to my left, I’d like mine medium-rare. Please.” And it’ll go down the line, medium-rare, medium-rare, and after two or three people, that first guy will realize his mistake, he’ll get really embarrassed, he’ll just shout out to the waiter, who’s already
productivity, and Johnson was just standing there beaming. The boss looked like he was looking right at you the whole time. Just stop thinking about all of that stuff. What are you going to do? You’re sick. Do you really think things would be better if you were at the office? What are you going to do, drink cups of tea, one after the other, all day long? You have the doctor’s note. There’s nothing more you can do. There, you can feel it starting to kick in, right? The antibiotics? They’re
very hard at all. I can’t believe that’s even a real job. I could be an archeologist. I could be a pro archeologist. Step one: find some field somewhere in the middle of nowhere, preferably in a foreign country. Step two: pitch a tent, buy a khaki vest, one with a lot of pockets, and a big floppy khaki hat. Get some khaki pants while you’re at it. Oh and hiking boots. Something tough, rugged. Something you can only buy at hiking stores. Something khaki. Step three: start digging. That’s basically
out, over and over. And I was like, wait a second. I looked at his back pocket. Sticking out was the same packaging, the same, “Magnetic Trick Fishhook” wrapper. The two magnets must have been repelling each other. And I was thinking, Jesus Andre, you unoriginal jerk, you can’t just let me have one trick fishhook gag? You really just can’t let me have one real, genuine moment, can you? Robots are better than people Robots are much better than people. Robots don’t get mad if you take that
Please, tell your son to take off his coat. Hey buddy, look, my house is locked. You’re seriously … you’re unbelievably kind, and it’s not that I don’t appreciate your going out of your way for me it’s just. It’s just … it’s my brother. He’s … he’s having a bit of legal trouble. I hate to bore you with any details. Let’s just say he’s hiding out for a little bit. In fact, I think I better check up on him. I was supposed to make sure he took his medication. And he’s terrible with dogs. I have to