The World According to Manager Mark: Life, Love and Torquay
Mark Jenkins
Language: English
Pages: 288
ISBN: 1784188166
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
Having driven into the sunset in the final episode of Channel 4's The Hotel, Mark Jenkins is back doing what he does best - entertaining the nation. His unique take on life, affable charm, and woefully naive exploits are all captured with great comedic effect in this, his first book. In The World According to Manager Mark you will discover just what makes this real-life Basil Fawlty tick. Containing Mark's opinions on everything from AGEING to YORKSHIRE PUDDINGS, from BUS LANES to VEGETARIANS, and featuring VOL-AU-VENTS, INFLATABLES and countless SAUSAGES, this book houses more entertainment than a hotel in peak season. Frank, forthcoming and downright funny, in this A-Z of Mark's world you'll find a manifesto for a life in which we discover the difference between naturists and naturalists, umbrellas are categorised as dangerous weapons and green food is banned. Whether you consider yourself rich, poor or normal, and whether you drink real champagne or 'nearly champagne', this book contains something for everyone. Even the Queen! What's more, you might learn a thing or two. UNBELIEVABLE!
The Pirates! in an Adventure with the Romantics
buy normal bread and only eat half of it!!! I call this my ‘Grain of Truth’. DINNER PARTIES I was once asked in whose company – living or dead – I would most like to have a dinner party. I replied that I’d much rather have dinner with someone who was alive… the idea of eating next to a corpse isn’t my dream night in, although they might be better company than some people I’ve shared a dinner table with. But then I suppose, if I had to choose a perfect dinner party, I’d invite the following:
trousers you own are for a 34-in waist, you’ll never become fatter than you are. And without trousers, you can’t go out and buy food so then you’ll never get fat! I’ve known quite a few fat people – when one pal of mine walks down Oxford Street, it becomes one-way. Another old friend won’t go swimming anymore because she’s afraid of being harpooned. I’ve also had a few broken beds in various hotels I’ve run – especially if it was a couple and both of them were on the large side. The most common
eh? Simple, I thought. All I have to do is walk along the pavements as directed by the satnav. The trouble – and what I didn’t think of – was that the satnav wouldn’t let me walk the wrong way down the one-way streets; I had to follow all the one-way directions and all the diversions for road works and the like. And believe me, London’s full of them. I’m surprised it didn’t make me avoid the speed bumps, which are everywhere too! The bloody satnav took me all round the houses – literally – so I
This really made me angry! Stealing from me was one thing, but the chambermaids had the hardest job in the entire hotel and, actually, earned the least money, so I felt this was particularly mean. One of my managers set a trap. To verify the suspect’s identity, he photocopied a five-pound note and then placed the fiver in one of the bedrooms. Sure enough, within twenty minutes the note had disappeared and, when we searched the suspect, we found it in her pocket. I sacked the thief on the spot!
hors d’oeuvres and finger food are also available. My other top tip for party food is cheese* and pineapple on sticks… except don’t use sticks – not only are they a health-and-safety hazard but they add to the clearing up. Instead of sticks, put your cheese and pineapple and cocktail sausages on Twiglets. They are much less messy and they taste delicious! *You may have to use a special cheese, although that does increase the expense. (Apologies about all the brackets in this section but I