The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden
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The Onion is proud to present The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden. In this scandalous memoir, America's favorite politician discusses his early years, before he became ultimate wingman to the leader of the free world. For the first time ever “Diamond” Joe discusses the formative experiences of his life, including his childhood selling hooch in Scranton, his years cruising college campuses picking up co-eds in a Del Rio, the grade-A tang he plowed in the summer of '87, and his "sweet ass gig" as Senator of Delaware. Speaking of his own work, Vice President Biden says, "Amigo, you're just one click away from buying Uncle Joe's tell all autobiography. My sweetest guitar riffs, bustiest lays, wildest benders, and sexiest appropriation bills, it's all in there. You'll not only hear about me and my buddy Barack, but I guarantee you'll pick up some tricks that'll serve you well in the sack. Plus, I'm deep in the hole right now and really need the scratch."
dinghy that I’d lash to the dock. Man, how I hoped the knot would come loose and that piece of shit would drift out to sea, but of course it never did. • Double Overhand Knot: One night all the Foreign Relations guys built a big bonfire and Dick Lugar got completely shithoused on Beam and kept running around trying to jump the thing so I had to hogtie his drunk ass before he hurt himself. • Taut Line: Back in the late ’80s I was doing some stunt work in LA and one day I was cruising around the
was when Danny Quayle was around (Jilly runs a pretty tight ship), but you’d be dead wrong if you think the VP bed hasn’t seen its share of action under Admiral Joe. • Oval Office: Alright, alright, I’ve only gotten to second base here, but Barry better know that Uncle Joe will be trying his best in Term Two to hit a West Wing homer. Washington, District of Cooch Let’s start with the babes of Washington. The mamacitas there are obsessed with polls, and will do anything to keep your
during a fundraiser back in ’87. The lady threw me around like a rag doll with a raging hard on. I’ll never forget it. • Tammy Baldwin (D-WI): They’ll tell you she only likes the girls, but get enough Jameson in her and she’s willing to let Uncle Joe go down on that wild Wisconsin wilderness. • Lynn Morley Martin (R-IL): Bent her over right against the Speaker’s podium back in ’83, but didn’t get to finish because Tip O’Neill walked in on us. Centerfold-quality rack, though, and lungs like an
co-ed’s tunnel of love. “What the hell are you doing?” says the rent-a-cop. I flash my Congressional ID and tell him I’m just preparing for a vote on the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act. The mini-pig glares at me, but there’s nothing he can do. He stalks off in a huff and later me and the babe do the deed on Betsy Ross’ flag. Being in the Senate had loads of benefits. Because of my higher government profile, Ol’ Joe was able to fulfill his lifelong dream of acting as a
figure-drawing classes. If I wasn’t too hung over I’d show up every day to check out the nude models. The art professor invited me to sketch, but I always insisted on just kicking back and watching. And I was quite involved in a variety of political movements on campus. I helped organize some of the first bra burning rallies in the country. I upped the ante, persuading young chickadees to free themselves by setting their panties on fire, too. And I was quite well known for my work at the local