Comedy Quote Dictionary, The
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A collection of more than two thousand jokes, epigrams, and one-liners from more than six hundred of the funniest comedians and writers of the twentieth century includes the work of Rodney Dangerfield, Will Rogers, Judy Tenuta, and others. 20,000 first printing.
the matter. I ran to the window and threw up. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care-and oh what a terrible smell filled the a1r. TOM S:\-IOTHERS JEniRO BURNS 55 CLICHES Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. VICfOR BORGE Santa Claus? You have to look very carefully at a man like this. He comes but once a year? Down the chimney? And in my sock? PROFESSOR IRWIN COREY I must say, when the doorman where !live puts up the Christmas tree in the lobby, he has the
with just one stroke. Of course, the doctor said if I had another stroke like that it would be all over. DtiVEtiSTOR You drink at a bar in the daytime, people call you a drunkard. You drink at the golf course, you're a sportsman! So I get drunk like a sportsman. And it's convenient. You fall down, you land on grass, you never get hurt. If somebody hollers "Fore!" that means two doubles. )tiCKlE MILES If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
which will require registration of firearms. He claims that if there is a war, we might be invaded by Communists. And we will all need guns. With nuts like that in Congress, it could happen. LARRY SIEGEL l11e most violent sport of all has to be hunting-if you consider it a sport. After all, a hunter sneaks up on his prey. That's not very sporting. Between rounds a boxer docsn 't G Y N E C 0 L 0 G Y tiptoe around the apron of the ring and smack his opponent in the back of the head! Hunters are
I A I S H The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man lying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. And Muldoon said, "My God,
religion. I never believed in hell till I married her. IIALROACII Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. )OIINNY CARSON 158 She contradicts me even when I don't say anything! BILL IIOEST When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, Wretched, bored, dejected, only I-Ie~c's the rub, my darling dear, I feel the same when you arc here. SAMUEL IIOFFENSTEIN I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck. Marriage is a