Stories from a Joke Thief
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For over 50 years, stand-up comic Buddy Stein has brought laughter wherever he has appeared—on television, in nightclubs, in theaters, in retirement homes, at store openings, and on golf courses across the country.
From his "green years" in the Catskills to his hilarious appearance on the Merv Griffin Show and the night he upstaged Jackie Gleason, Buddy continued following his dream. He wanted to make people laugh, just like Rodney Dangerfield, Buddy Hackett, Alan King, and Henny Youngman.
But because he had a family to raise, Buddy had to keep a full-time job while awaiting his "big break." And when the break did arrive, Buddy had to make the best decision possible for himself and his family.
Stories from a Joke Thief is more than a memoir. It is also a collection of Buddy’s favorite jokes from his personal archives—many of which he used in his act. They are hilarious, often irreverent, and sometimes downright racy, whether lampooning golfers, air travel, the aging, doctors, or marriage. As Buddy puts it, "The memories and anecdotes are basically accurate. If anyone is offended or insulted by some of the jokes and stories, it’s purely intentional!"
I said, “Who said he died?” The doc said, “This is amazing. How old is he?” I told him, “He’s 120 and that’s not all. He’s getting married next week.” The doc said, “Why would he want to get married at his age?” I said, “Who says he wants to get married? He has to!” --- The Permit A man walks into his doctor’s office. The doctor says, “How can I help you?” The man says, “I eat like a horse!” The doctor says, “A lot of people eat like a horse. Just cut down on the
phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator,” she cries. dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.” A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard,” he says, “She got into the back seat by mistake.” --- A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up
said, “What’s the bad news?” The captain said, “Well, sir, we have located the body of your wife.” Saul said, “I see, and what could be the good news?” “Well, sir, after an examination of the body, which is a Coast Guard priority, we found a huge perfect pearl in your wife’s vagina. We want to know what you would like us to do.” There was silence on the phone for a few minutes. Then Saul said, “Send me the pearl, reset the trap, and throw her back in the ocean!” --- Controlling
crashed over the Gulf of Mexico, I’d be prepared. The airline fares were very expensive so I decided to fly on a “no-frills” airline. They didn’t sell tickets, they sold chances. All the planes have a bathroom and a chapel. There is no movie—you don’t need one. Your whole life keeps flashing before your eyes! Captain Hans von Schmidt, a pilot on Lufthansa Airlines, made this announcement on a subsequent trip to Europe that I was on: “We are having difficulty with our engines and we have to
showed the man that if you lit the lighter under Chess’ right foot, he would sing “Jingle Bells,” and if you lit the lighter under his left foot he would sing “Silent Night.” The man was astonished by this and told the manager that he would take the bird. Christmas came and the husband and his wife exchanged gifts. After the husband had received the tie and shirt his wife had bought him, he came out with a big object covered by a blanket. He set the object down on the table and uncovered