Steve Allen's Private Joke File
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Why Did Steve Allen Cross the Road?
Steve Allen is a legend among comedians and entertainers. He's been playing to audiences on stage, radio, film, and television for more than fifty years, gaining acclaim for his unique wit and energy. Now for the first time, he shares more than a thousand of his favorite one-liners, anecdotes, limericks, quotes, and other generally funny things. The entries are divided into nearly two hundred categories to make it easy for anyone to find the right laugh for any occasion. If you're faced with the prospect of having to "say a few words," Steve Allen's Private Joke File is the perfect place to look for ideas and inspiration on such topics as awards, drinking, baseball, lawyers, dentists, insurance, marriage, the stock market, and dozens of other subjects. A sampling:
* My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine!
* If ignorance is bliss, he should die of joy.
* "How are the acoustics here?"
"Great, I can hardly hear you!"
* I learned to rumba very early in life ... I had a tricycle with a loose seat.
* Room for rent, by young lady, freshly plastered.
Steve Allen has also included a number of his favorite essays and monologues. Steve Allen's Private Joke File is great to flip through for fun or for function, and for those of us looking for a good laugh -- to give one or to have one -- it's indispensable.
274 280 280 281 281 282 283 283 284 285 285 286 286 286 288 288 290 292 299 300 300 301 302 302 303 303 Tuba 304 304 305 306 306 308 309 310 311 1\vins 311 Ugly 311 Uncle 312 Undenaker 312 Unemployment Unicycle 312 313 Monologues, Sketches, Usefulness 313 Essays, Etc. Tongue Twister Tough Neighborhood Town Traffic Trains Tramp Travel Trombone xii Vaca tion Vacuum Cleaner Valentine's Day Vaudevi lle \ ealth 313 314 315 316 \ riling 317 317 318 320 Y2K 321 Miscellaneous
rhubarb." -cy·. "This steak is burned. Who said a woman's work is never done?" -cy: Get your hot dogs right here, folks. They're skinless, boneless, harmless, and homeless. f~i SHE: How do you like the omelet, dear? HE: lf it had a handle on it. it would make a nice tennis racket. ~~SHE: Would you like something before lunch? HE: Yeah ... my breakfast. cy: It was late in the day and the butcher had already sold all but his last roast from the refrigerator, when a woman came in and or- 8(;
pointed to an eye chart and asked his patient to read it. "Gosh, doc," the patient said. 'Tm afraid you'll have to read it for me. My eyesight ain't worth a damn." ~-A woman who was in analysis went to dinner in a restaurant with her husband. Her analyst appeared, and she introduced him to her husband: "Doctor, this is one of the men I've been telling you about.'' -cy·. A tough old Texas oilman got an urgent call one night from his family doctor. "I'm calling you from the hospital ," the doctor
east by the Atlantic Ocean, on the west by the Paci fie Ocean, on the north by Canada and on the south by Mexico, how old am I?" The brighter students sat dumbfounded, but the dopiest of them all spoke up: .. You'd be forty-four." Duntbfounded in tum. the professor said, "That's right, young man. But how in the world did you know?" The student answered: "That's easy. I have a brother who's half nuts and he's twenty-two.'' 1,:) @'· An old gentleman of eighty-four, having taken to the nltnr n
honored society Tappa Kegga Beer? I have traced one of the commonest of these jokes back as far as the time of that celebrated English wit, William Hogarth. In a charming book called Tavern Anecdotes and Sayings. by Charles Hindley, my late edition of which was published in London by Chano and Windus, in 1881, the following story is related: "Having invited a party to dine with him at the Mitre Tavern [Hogarth] engraved a card on which was represented, within a circle, a pi, with a mitre at the