Power Moves: Livin’ the American Dream, USA Style
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
Meet Karl Welzein, aka Captain Karl, aka @DadBoner on Twitter—the Midwest's most beautiful loser
Karl Welzein is really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.
His job is a drag and his wife kicked him out, but that's okay. She wears granny panties and is constantly dropping wads of cash at Target, and his son cries all the time. Now his "temporary" roommate, Dave, ate all the Totino's pizza rolls. Again. Karl Welzein is sick of this. So sick of this.
Power Moves chronicles the hilarious decline of Karl Welzein on his journey from life as a Dockers-and-golfshirt-wearing dad to a ponytailed party maniac who spits out his life philosophies like a modern-day Charles Bukowski (if he preferred to get drunk at Applebee's).
A middle-aged Michigan native, Karl may be overweight, prone to questionable fashion and culinary choices, oblivious to his drinking problem, a poor excuse for an employee, obsessed with the restroom, and a terrible husband, father, and friend . . . but in his heart he means well. He's just like a lot of us—he loves the USA, Guy Fieri, bold flavors, Bob Seger, and thinking he looks jacked in a tight tee and Maui Jim sunglasses. Karl is an everyman and like no other man on the planet all at once.
Inspired by the Twitter feed @DadBoner, Karl finally tells his full story. He shares his wisdom on fitness (1. Look at a pic of Stone Cold Steve Austin. 2. Do 'shups 'til you look like Stone Cold. 3. Cut off your sleeves), diet (Eat only the filling of the Taco Bell Beefy Melts for maximum flavor and low-carb health), fashion (Wearin' boots with jean shorts says "I like to keep cool, but I'm ready if the action gets hot"), work life (If you don't have a job that makes you want to kill yourself, you don't deserve to drink until you want to die), and the bliss of the perfect weekend (beers, brats, and babes' chest beefers).
But above all, this is a story about America—the real red, white, and blue America of today. Welcome to Karl's world. Reading this book is the ultimate Power Move.
crotch, I had to get even. I’m a fan of street justice. Put all the TP, TV remotes, ranch dressing, Penthouses, Pizza Rolls, Toaster Strudels, and booze in my trunk. Dave should crack any minute now. When you mess with the bull, you get the horns, right in your keister. Think Steven Seagal said somethin’ like that in Out for Justice. If a pal is tryin’ to humiliate you, you need to ruin their life for a few days, you guys. Healthy competition is what friendship is all about. Plus, I’m sendin’ a
’Bring. It’s a smokin’ ride. Hope he didn’t pick up a gal at Taco Bell or die. Want my XXL Chalupas! Idiot won’t pick up his phone. So steamed. SUNDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2011 Dave didn’t come home ’til way after I passed out last night. He was actin’ really strange this morning. Put the screws to him for info, but he just kept sayin’ stuff like “dunno.” Kinda par for the course for Dave, but still, seemed shady. I went to get something out of the ’Bring (booze) and Dave got all shaky and beet-red.
window. They flew back in. The cab driver freaked out ’cause I got “doo-doo” all over his car. Guess who calls #2 “doo-doo”? Black cab drivers when they want you dead. I got kicked out of the cab with my peener and veggies all exposed. Hope there’s no security video. They know me at Arb’s. When you fill your pants in a cab on the way to a closed Arby’s at 3 a.m., it’s time to cut back to only light beer for a while, you guys. I need to go for a walk and think about my actions. SUNDAY, NOVEMBER
AND value. Ted Nugent, “the Motor City Madman.” Jim Beam. Kid Rock. Crown & Diet. 3:57 in “Still of the Night” by Whitesnake. Paddy McGee’s Irish Pub. Koegel’s hot dogs. Spatz bread. Vernors ginger ale. Peanut. Chest beefers on the thick and all-natural babes from coast to coast, piled high with all the toppings. Special Mention? My fam. Gotta do the right thing. I can’t help it if they didn’t want pretty much the Dad of the Year in their life anymore. Guess I cared too much. Don’t
I’ve known Dave since high school from seein’ him around at parties. We were never really friends ’cause he wasn’t part of the cool crew, but I ran into him at Paddy’s a couple months ago and he said he was “cleanin’ up on the singles scene.” If I ever wanted to hang, just “give him a ring.” Guess he’s an assistant manager at the gas station, so he meets a lot of new babes all the time. Pretty cool? Everyone else I know is bogged down with kids and wives and crap, so it seemed like a good time to