Life As I Blow It: Tales of Love, Life & Sex . . . Not Necessarily in That Order
Sarah Colonna
Language: English
Pages: 256
ISBN: 0345528379
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
In this wickedly funny and irreverent memoir, Chelsea Lately writer and comedian Sarah Colonna opens up about love, life, and pursuing her dreams . . . and then screwing it all up.
Sarah believes we all struggle to grow up. Sometimes we want to have fun, not take things too seriously, and have that fourth margarita. Other times we would like to get married, stay in, order Chinese food, and have a responsible, secure life.
From her formative years in small-town Arkansas to a later career of dates, drinks, and questionable day jobs, Colonna attempts to reconcile her responsible side with her fun-loving side. Sometimes this pans out, and sometimes she finds herself in Mexico handing out her phone number to anyone who calls her pretty. She moves to Los Angeles to pursue acting, but for years is forced to hone her bartending skills; she wants a serious boyfriend, but won’t give up nights at the bar with her friends. She tries to behave like an adult, but can’t seem to stop acting like a frat boy. In the end, she discovers that there doesn’t have to be just one or the other. And if there’s one thing Colonna has learned from her many missteps, it’s that hindsight is always 100 proof.
Includes a Foreword by Chelsea Handler
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water. I knew better than to mix. My older sister was such a rookie. When my father finally got his bar bill for the three days, he looked at us in shock. He went through each tab that was attached to it asking if that was one of our signatures. We confirmed all but one … one was Fake Rod Stewart’s, but we had told him that his drinks were on you, Dad. I shut my eyes and waited for him to yell. My dad is a ton of fun, but when he gets mad it isn’t pretty. I felt his hand on my shoulder and
burned my leg on the motorcycle exhaust pipe. “Shit, I told you to be careful around that!” Anthony ran and ripped open an aloe plant from the yard (I thought, People have aloe plants in their yards here?), broke it in half, and dripped the aloe onto my new wound. Any pain that subsided had nothing to do with the plant. It had to do with the hot Italian guy standing over me tending to my injury. Later that afternoon Shirley told me that I was going to need eyelid surgery. She said that if I
thought I meant that my family actually held an annual trailer competition. I was frustrated at how white trash that sounded, but I couldn’t fix it. I was just a floating mouth that was babbling while underneath it all my brain was reeling with images of me in a straitjacket. I pictured my mom telling people what kind of potential I’d had before I lost my mind. People would agree and say it was sad I allowed myself to be pulled into the world of drugs. “I thought she was smarter than that, but
school with in Wal-Mart and answer their barrage of questions. “Why are you living in California if all you’re doing is serving Jack-and-Cokes?” the last girl I’d run into had asked. “Well, I’m just doing that for now. You have to have a night job so you can go to auditions and stuff,” I said in an attempt to defend myself. “Well, why don’t you forget about that little fantasy of yours and come back! You can get a job easily. They have bars here, you know!” “I know, your husband is in one
vagina reminded me that it was still there, and that it didn’t want to be ignored. The weight of what Ryan and I carried was lifting. It still hurt, but it was lifting. Now I’m just trying to figure out the next step and I’m wondering what it will be like to date again after four years. Clearly I’m not going to join eHarmony again. I’m still pissed off about those assholes not giving me a refund. CLOSING ARGUMENT So I’m sitting alone in that same apartment that I once shared with Ryan.