I Like You Just the Way I Am: Stories About Me and Some Other People
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
Hi, I'm Jenny Mollen, an actress and writer living in Los Angeles. I'm also a wife, married to someone more famous than me, which is especially annoying because all the free clothing he gets never come in a size small.
This is my book, an assortment of stories about not doing the right thing. Yes, it's about me. But it's also about women, who all come in two types: those that are totally batshit crazy, and those that are liars. It's a book about acting on impulses, plotting elaborate hoaxes, and refusing to acknowledge boundaries in any form. Like hiding in the trunk of a car to get a look at the girl who used to fuck my husband. Or pretending to have a seizure on a red-eye to New York in order to explain why my dog is balls-deep in a bag of Pirates' Booty burrowed in the lap of a sleeping child.
Life is too short for bullshit. I'm 33 and my tits drop half an inch a year. Someday very soon, ladies, you and I are going to be whatever fetish comes after "cougar," unable to wear shirts without sleeves, and full of cell phone cancer. It is our obligation to be honest with ourselves about who we really are and what we really want. Which more often than not is someone else's email password.
So let's embrace it. I Like You Just the Way I Am is a book about taking the high road―as long as it intersects with the train tracks my ex-boyfriend is tied to.
house much?” Again nothing, which I’d learned from school meant he was taking a “Rogerian stance.” Basically just shutting the fuck up and waiting for me to solve my own problems. Knowing what he was up to, I continued. “It’s just kind of disconcerting that you know so much about me and yet I don’t know anything about you besides that you’re an Aquarius.” “And how do you know that?” Thinking fast, I rolled my eyes and tried to cover. “Oh, come on, Doc, it’s so obvious that you’re an Aquarius.
rejected sight unseen. We never even spoke on the phone. He had no knowledge of my love of German literature, my eclectic taste in music, or that I was able to do a one-handed back walk-over. According to my father, whom I still kissed on the lips, I was the catch of the century. I was a goddamn debutante, and this fucking guy thought he could just pass on ever knowing me altogether? It made no sense. I hope he dies in a grease fire, I thought. Six months later, Chad called me from work. Lance
Lance. The thing that upset me most was the fact that I’d spent the last week feeling sorry for him. He kept telling me how he hoped I’d change my mind about us, how he might be developing an eating disorder, and how he still pictured me wearing his mother’s wedding veil. He even got me to fucking make a Sophie’s Choice between my dogs! By 8:05, I was furious and already in my car, speeding up Mulholland. When I arrived at the house, the mystery car was still there. This time I didn’t bother
I think every woman (including myself) is looking for her white knight. And when that white knight does something really white knight-ish but then refuses to fuck you, you kind of want to gnaw your own arm off after masturbating yourself out of an anger tantrum. In real life, when you first meet someone, you can project all sorts of bullshit narratives onto them to suit your fancy. However, once you are married, that leeway goes out the window. There’s no room for a new story. You know the
assumed. What I really learned from this event was that not everyone appreciates my comic genius. Even though Amanda and I grew up with similar life experiences, we are very different people. She’s not hot enough to be molested and I totally am. 14. Everyone Wants to Kill Me For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt like everyone was out to kill me. And not like accidentally nab me with a stray bullet during an L.A. riot, but more like consciously abduct me, rape me, keep me in a box,