Boundary Issues: Using Boundary Intelligence to Get the Intimacy You Want and the Independence You Need in Life, Love, and Work

Boundary Issues: Using Boundary Intelligence to Get the Intimacy You Want and the Independence You Need in Life, Love, and Work

Jane Adams

Language: English

Pages: 252

ISBN: 2:00123719

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub


ADVANCE PRAISE FOR BOUNDARY ISSUES
"Jane Adams gets at the heart of human relationships by illuminating the boundaries that create and sustain them. Taking on a subject that everyone talks about but few people really understand, she breaks new psychological ground in this accessible, empathetic, and original book that offers concrete assistance and wise counsel to all who struggle with the central dilemma of being human—being both separate and connected, intimate as well as autonomous, without sacrificing the self."
—Edward Hallowell, M.D., coauthor of Delivered from Distraction
"Understanding and respecting our own boundaries and others' is at the core of a happy life. Boundary Issues is a terrific journey into our own psychological needs, strengths, and weaknesses. We could all save a lot of therapeutic intervention by reading and following Dr. Adams's observations and suggestions."
—Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., author of Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works
"All too rarely someone comes along who is able to turn a single phrase into a changed outlook on life. Dr. Jane Adams does that with Boundary Issues. By following Dr. Jane Adams's guidance and helpful exercises, each of us can find the freedom to love, work, negotiate, play, and live on our own terms."
—Suzanne Braun Levine, author of Inventing the Rest of Our Lives: Women in Second Adulthood
"I find this book vitally helpful, both personally and in my work as a psychotherapist. Learning to negotiate distance and intimacy is a huge issue for women who think that being joined at the hip is necessary for a relationship to survive."
—Colette Dowling, author of The Cinderella Complex and You Mean I Don't Have to Feel This Way?
"With her trademark wit and clarity, Jane Adams pulls at the threads that tie us together and tear us apart. She has translated decades of research into wise and inventive tools. Boundary Issues is the definitive book about finding both intimacy and independence."
—Dr. Barbara Mackoff, author of Leadership as a Habit of Mind and Growing a Girl
"Through her prescriptive advice and fascinating and relevant personal stories, Jane Adams helps us understand how to use Boundary Intelligence for happiness and personal growth."
—Carole Hyatt, coauthor of When Smart People Fail: Rebuilding Yourself for Success

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either opposes the addiction, fights it and overcomes it, or makes it worse by building it up. That’s how Judy curbed her shopping compulsion; she cut up her credit cards, made a budget and stuck to it, and gave herself a reward every time she went into a store and came out emptyhanded (unfortunately, her customary reward was a cigarette). For her, smoking has a psychological hold on her that’s much more powerful than physical need, which is why even when she’s managed to stay off cigarettes for

boundaries represented a neglected dimension of personality, and he hypothesized that boundary structure might be related to many aspects of life. He devised a questionnaire that included many qualities of various boundaries. And, while no questionnaire can reach deep into the unconscious, this instrument provided a new type of mental map, derived from classical psychology, that enabled him to assess where an individual’s boundaries tended to cluster on a continuum of permeability from thick to

we’re anxious when someone leaves us, even if he’s only going out to walk the dog. Or why we find it easy to fall in love but harder to make a sustained commitment to another person. • Why we always put the most work into relationships, even with the most difficult people. Or why we avoid someone who knew us when we had zits and braces rather than tell her how much she hurt us. • Why other people’s feelings often seem more real to us than our own. Or why we’re such drama queens that we ignore

day’s calories, and a consideration of what she plans to eat for dinner, while dinner with Peggy, who’s as methodical and analytical as Kate but more in touch with her inner sensualist, is punctuated by deep sighs of pleasure and an almost erotic appreciation of the meal’s taste, texture, and presentation. A decade after Sperry, the cognitive psychologist Howard Gardner proposed a theory of multiple intelligences, a label he gave to what most of us knew already, which is that while many people

baby, which women often describe as opening a door in their hearts they never knew was there. The psychiatrist Donald Winnicott, in less poetic terms, calls this a “special psychiatric condition of the mother,” a state of primary maternal preoccupation characterized by profound attachment and identification with her baby. This merged state is that primal union from which the infant eventually emerges as his or her own mental boundaries develop. Winnicott calls it a “normal sickness” from which

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