2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
2500 jokes!... From the master of the one-liner, a fresh, new collection of sure-fire laugh-getters that will brighten your speeches and provide hours of fun-filled reading. A must for toastmasters, salespeopel, lectureres, and all performers.
mirror is, but I’m not! It’s an eerie feeling turning fifty. Somehow I never figured to burn out before my picture tube did. Never trust anyone who says he’s thirty—and then shakes up a container of milk before pouring it. MINISTERS A church looking for a minister has this in mind: He must have the humility of a saint, the administrative skills of an executive, the speaking ability of a spellbinder, the counseling know-how of a psychiatrist, and the wage requirements of an elephant—he
Yesterday I went to a movie and I heard more pants than I saw! You can always tell who the good guys are in X-rated movies. They’re the ones wearing the white socks. They’re even making nude murder mysteries. The butler did it and so did the gardener, the handyman, and the cook! I have another nomination for the best actor. The star of an X-rated movie doing the forty-third retake! I saw one movie. I don’t know how to describe it, but picture inviting newlyweds to a come-as-you-are party.
maturity is anyone who can look at the centerfold of Playboy—between hymns. Actually, Playboy is very educational. It’s taught millions of husbands to turn pages while looking bored. PLUMBERS To a homeowner, the Super Bowl is one that doesn’t back up. I don’t know much about things like plumbing. One time we had a leaky faucet. I spent five hours trying to get it to [INHALE SHARPLY]. I called up the plumber and said, “Can you come right over? There’s a one-inch leak in the basement!” He
SECURITY Is there anything more embarrassing than two forty-nine-year-old women meeting in a Social Security office? Have you seen the estimates of what we’ll be paying for Social Security in the future? Congress thinks of everything. Not only does the government take care of you in your old age—but it makes you reach it a lot faster. My neighbor’s a real conservative. He says the only Social Security he ever needed was a diaper. SONS I have a son who needs orthodonture, his tonsils
wife. Our storm windows have really kept my wife warm this winter. I didn’t put them up and is she hot about it. X-rated movies are ideal for cold weather. At least you have a reason for coming out with your collar turned up. I don’t mind telling you, I had one of the most marvelous Januarys ever. I took up smoking, drinking, gambling, and running around with women—just so I’d have something to give up for Lent! January is when you buy the forty-five dollars’ worth of Christmas cards at half